This isn't the blog entry I want to write.
But it has the benefit of being me.
After a 2 or 3 AM trip to Sobeys, eating a whole container of cantaloupe and half a box of cookies along with downing two rather large mugs of tea while attempting to catch up on The Office, I realized something.
I push people away from me after I open up to them.
Also, peeing while half asleep is only fun for so long.
Whenever I told someone something that affects me deeply, something that sits on the very core of my being, something inside me changed. Instead of growing closer to them like one would expect after years of watching "coming of age" films, I avoid them.
I have a couple of reasons right now:
1. I was in a very up and down relationship with my family growing up. I got a lot of mixed signals in terms of how much they loved me. (Another post for another time)
I'm not ragging on them or anything, I'm just saying it as I see it right now.
2. I want to feel betrayed by people. This could fill an entire book unto itself but hopefully it suffices to say that the person I aspire to be is the underdog/the outcast who trumps all odds. So when I push you away it's easier to tell myself that it's not my fault and that I am like my heros.
(side note on that last point: that's also part of the reason why I agree to do things for people like record songs or edit a video and then never do. It's because I want to feel the pain of alienation)
There was owing to be more elaboration on this, but I can't remember what I wanted to say now.
This is going to be harder for me to post so I'm writing this part now before I finish the whole thing. I want to do this to be out there to apologize for myself over the past 15 years of my life (Up until 7 or 8 I was totally normal)
So while this is for everyone who I have let down over that time, there are a bunch in mind that have weighing heavily on me…
Esko
Abby
Erica
Scottie
Andrew
Amanda
Keeley
Kevin
My Mom and Dad
Jon
Christiaan
Rachel
Hayley
Erik
Adom
Laurent
Kait
Brittany
Jaren
Michelle
Dave and Tamsynn
Brandilee
Shit, I bottle things up.
I wanted to tell you guys especially. It might take sometime though, if you'll let me try to make it right.
And just as a note of hope I suppose, a huge thank you goes out to Austin. Thanks for letting me back in dude. I'm glad we became friends again, unbelievably very glad.
This is weird; this might be my first post where I'm actually talking about personal stuff with people I know.
If this is too weird for anyone here, let me know and I'll take it down. I just want to say it. If only for one day.
With God's grace this ship will turn round
