It's just the story of a kid and his thoughts...

The mark of the creative person is not great ideas alone;

It's also the willingness to give every idea a chance.

Also I would like it to be made known that I don't believe I am agnostic actually. It's that I have daddy issues with my human pops and the father in heaven.

Here's some free advice: postpone the awesome blog post you make at 4 AM (hint: reference to OLP's kick ass song) until the morning.

But I'm still glad I did it now instead of 5 years down the road with my eventual 7 followers.

Never fear, I can see a path up and over the mountain in front of me. It's gonna be ok.

I'll be back so don't you go anywhere!

...and to all a good night.

It's 3:52 AM when I start this post. I'm passingly curious to see how long I will spend on this before watching Reboot until I fall asleep.

I had a talk with Brittany tonight. She and several other friends have really broken through to me over the past... however long school has been going on for. It's a good break-through, albeit an uncomfortable one at times but life should always have some level of discomfort; a balance between complete comfort/stagnation and unpredictability/instability.

Life is Balance. That's one of my themes this school year.

Brittany and I talked about a lot, especially about me. It's a familiar sensation after therapy, one I'm still not quite used to, but I'm becoming used to not being used to it.

Still with me? Good, cause there's more...

There are a few things that I need to keep in mind for my coming life:

Maybe we need to be told the sane thing over and over again; that's why so many songs sound the same in our heads.

I'm proud because I've survived being insecure all my life therefore my insecurities drive me as without them I have no pride.

I think I'm an agnostic because I have so much trouble reconciling God the Father and by extension, Jesus the son.

I am not alone in my actions. There's a community that is affected by everything I do.

I have more questions than answers. And unlike LOST, that's ok.

Letting go is the hardest thing ever. Especially when you're petrified you'll never feel the same way again.

I'm relearning how to feel and how to define those feelings. For example: You trust someone when you feel safe being uncomfortable around them.

I have vices so that I can trust people I don't normally trust. This holds so much appeal because I have not felt safe in a long time.

I also have vices that I use to elevate my mood because they are more consistent at delivering pleasure, even if it is a shallow, momentary thrill.

Alright, Reboot time!!

Now that I see you, it doesn't change a thing.

This isn't the blog entry I want to write.

But it has the benefit of being me.

After a 2 or 3 AM trip to Sobeys, eating a whole container of cantaloupe and half a box of cookies along with downing two rather large mugs of tea while attempting to catch up on The Office, I realized something.

I push people away from me after I open up to them.

Also, peeing while half asleep is only fun for so long.

Whenever I told someone something that affects me deeply, something that sits on the very core of my being, something inside me changed. Instead of growing closer to them like one would expect after years of watching "coming of age" films, I avoid them.

I have a couple of reasons right now:

1. I was in a very up and down relationship with my family growing up. I got a lot of mixed signals in terms of how much they loved me. (Another post for another time)

I'm not ragging on them or anything, I'm just saying it as I see it right now.

2. I want to feel betrayed by people. This could fill an entire book unto itself but hopefully it suffices to say that the person I aspire to be is the underdog/the outcast who trumps all odds. So when I push you away it's easier to tell myself that it's not my fault and that I am like my heros.

(side note on that last point: that's also part of the reason why I agree to do things for people like record songs or edit a video and then never do. It's because I want to feel the pain of alienation)

There was owing to be more elaboration on this, but I can't remember what I wanted to say now.

This is going to be harder for me to post so I'm writing this part now before I finish the whole thing. I want to do this to be out there to apologize for myself over the past 15 years of my life (Up until 7 or 8 I was totally normal)

So while this is for everyone who I have let down over that time, there are a bunch in mind that have weighing heavily on me…

Esko

Abby

Erica

Scottie

Andrew

Amanda

Keeley

Kevin

My Mom and Dad

Jon

Christiaan

Rachel

Hayley

Erik

Adom

Laurent

Kait

Brittany

Jaren

Michelle

Dave and Tamsynn

Brandilee

Shit, I bottle things up.

I wanted to tell you guys especially. It might take sometime though, if you'll let me try to make it right.

And just as a note of hope I suppose, a huge thank you goes out to Austin. Thanks for letting me back in dude. I'm glad we became friends again, unbelievably very glad.

This is weird; this might be my first post where I'm actually talking about personal stuff with people I know.

If this is too weird for anyone here, let me know and I'll take it down. I just want to say it. If only for one day.

With God's grace this ship will turn round

Son of the Morning

I am Thunder

I wish I could go back over all the months that I never did write anything and empty all the experience. Even if most of it was going through the garbage of Toronto.
This summer has been different, just like all the other ones before it. I've always had a unique summer every year I feel.
I need only to find the few things that make me happy and stay with those; but trying to like all the things that my friends like has opened my eyes.
I'm going to make people angry even though I don't know what for yet. All I know is that it doesn't bother me as much as it did before.
I'll always be torn between wanting to be the mysterious stranger who explodes alone and the keg standing partier surrounded by good friends.
I'm glad I'm going back to Redeemer. No matter how much it costs.
I'll always be jealous of other artists, no matter how much I like them or their work.
I've chosen the worst vice of them all but I love that I know that it's ok; I'm not ashamed.
I've always held back for fear of sweating too much, except in shows and in City of Snow's first music video. I like that.
I realize I started every sentence here with "I". Screw you if you think that's too prideful; I've got a life to live before it's over.
And I intend to figure some of it out before then.

Welcome Home

Hey everyone (aka Brittany)

Happy New Year! I will post my resolutions soon; rest assured they were made within the week after the year started. I think that's still allowed?

But that's moot. I want to post this:

"Why is it so hard to do good in this world?

It’s bad enough that we have to fight against our own human natures and drives that tell us to look out for number one,

But why do we have to fight against other people too?"

I wrote that in the old year, intending to post it with nothing else. And now the new Dan wants to tell the old Dan a thing or two.

It makes sense why someone would write it, as though it poses a thought-provoking and emotion-laden question that everyone needs to take a time out to think over.

But it's really not much more than whining and pining after a magic solution.

I call it whining because it really offers no solution and just tries to get everyone to come around to your point of view. There is a difference to seeing things as they are and just beating a dead horse.

The magic solution is the Epic Speech. In some movies, the main character will get up in front of the entire audience/their schoolmates/fellow citizens/etc. and give a stirring soliloquy that opens their eyes to the truth and simultaneously drive them to action. Whether or not that has actually worked is not the point (but I do want to know).

The point the post above is trying to be the Epic Speech, but it can't. Everyone knows the question and has an answer.

-If we don't look out for number one, no one else will

-If we're all good, then we should realize everyone is trying to be good already

-If we're all bad, then we should just do what "God" wants

-If we're all selfish, why not embrace it? Someone else will

And so on...

People come to peace with it.

This is actually a breath of fresh air to me because I've been trying to be such a compelling example of truth and love and understanding, at least online.

But really, that's not me. I'm light and dark. Pure and dirty. Broken and whole. Sometimes I feel more one than the other and if I can't acknowledge both sides of myself, the part that loves and the part that hates, I can't live this life. Thankfully, I'm getting used to me.

I hope you understand all this Brittany and also anyone else who reads this (welcome first timers!)

In case anyone is feeling at all sad or depressed, just go to Youtube and watch the Princess Bride lightsaber battle. If you like either movies, you will appreciate this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYVQooRSlzg